Helpless

Powerless. A complete lack of control. More like, a complete lack of balance of control. Fix one thing and the others go down. Deem one important enough to get your attention and the rest shies away from you like a jealous girlfriend.

Hold onto everything and one day your hands will get tired. I think I am tired. This fatigue is giving birth to a growing sense of apathy. Like a psychopath I find myself looking for the right reaction to situations. I don't really understand anymore why an emotional response does not come through naturally. I have to manufacture it.

Feel optimistic about life for a second and Yesterday comes knocking on the door. "Don't forget me", it says. Happiness only shows like thin streams of light in a dark room. Gone as soon as it appears. Covered by ever hovering, ever moving clouds.

It makes me wonder sometimes. Is this what will break me one day? Will this make me turn to religion? Finally, one day, will I have to kneel in front of a God and beg for a better life? I am sure They will say that God loves everyone and you don't kneel in front of him - you just love him back. Excuse me, but I beg to differ.

Till that day I guess plodding through the rest of the days is what I can do. That and faking it.